I wish my penis had an off switch
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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