I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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