I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize