I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
