that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
