Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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