We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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