I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize