If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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