We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
