My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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