Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
