Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
