mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
