i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
