I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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