And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
