Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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