Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
