Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
