booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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