I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
