You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
