i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Randomize
