I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
