how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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