I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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