we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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