Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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