my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
