our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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