my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
