those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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