i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
