I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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