i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
