You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
