I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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