We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
