Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
