Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
