He asked to "fluff my boner.."
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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