Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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