You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
