Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
