You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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