she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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