Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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