dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize