if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
