I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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