Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
