Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
