i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
