God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
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