i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
