I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize