i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Reggie can tackle my bush.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
