i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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