Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
