I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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