turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize