Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
