im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
