Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize